it will be a battle royale

last week, political pundit rick mercer offered to host a one-on-one cage fight to the death between liberal leader ignatieff and prime minister steve-o. ignatieff was eager to accept the offer, knowing full well that his speed, agility and spindly limbs give him an obvious advantage over the unfit square-shaped harper. the prime minister refused to rsvp to the event, and has instead retreated to his evil stone fortress where, it is rumored, that he has increased his raw baby consumption by two-fold.

but ignatieff has refused to let the issue rest, and was seen earlier this week purchasing weapons for the battle in a hardware store located in a rural quebec town.

"this could smash a man's head in, right?"

conservative bullying 101: the fall of dion

when i first found out about the upcoming election, i knew that it was my responsibility to goad the apathetic canadian population into action. i understood that this burden rested squarely on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. so i made a promise to myself and to all canadians that i would report on this election respectfully and reliably.

this guy just wasn't cutting it anymore

now, i'm nothing if not unbiased. i've read up on all the candidates and their respective parties--i've researched their platforms, policies, beliefs and ideals and i have come to the conclusion that canadian politicians, on the whole, are a bunch of bland nancy boys (and a few nancy ladies) with literally no redeeming features.

but ladies and gentlemen, i'm sorry to say that some way, some how, a little french boy with a green thumb, mr. stephane dion, has wormed his way into my heart.

and gang, i'm in love.

i recently had the opportunity to see dion speak in person and i've got to say, i was quite impressed. going into it, i wasn't expecting much--afterall, i really didn't know a lot about him before i heard him speak. sure, i knew he was leader of the liberal party until he was replaced by ignatidouche, and that he had a total hard on for the environment, but that was about it. honestly, most of what i knew about dion was gleamed from conservative attack ads.

well, you've convinced me!

but now i realize that stephane is a smart man, as well as a passionate man with a sense of humor to accompany that lovely thick french canadian accent of his. sure, he's not the best public speaker, but what he says is important and interesting and doesn't feel like the same sort of bullshit that other politicians spew in order to get elected.

and he can do card tricks! is there anything this man can't do!?!?

unfortunately, stephane had a rough time a couple years back when he was leader of the opposition party. the conservatives threw everything they had at the poor guy, spending oodles of money with the sole purpose of making stephane look like an incompetent, whiny child that could barely speak english and wanted to raise taxes by 32679% so that he could plant some more trees in his backyard. and it worked. in the end, no one really believed in dion, even his fellow liberals.

and really, the whole thing is quite unfortunate if you ask me, because i think that stephane, if given the opportunity, would have been an a-okay prime minister. but canadians didn't get the chance to meet the real stephane, nor to appreciate his various policies. the conservative party made it impossible for canadians to vote legitimately by basically--and i'm not going to hold back on this one--brainwashing canadians.

imagine what they could have done with this photo alone

now, i realize now that stephane's opportunity to be prime minister has come and gone, and now the liberals' only hope is some plain jane candidate who may or may not be british (or american) and hate all canadians. but i really do think that its in the best interest of all canadians to keep stephane around, because, for realz guys, we're going to need smart, patriotic, passionate politicians if we're going to keep democracy alive in this god damn country.

so stephane, you get up every morning and you repeat that mantra of yours and don't you dare let old steve-o bully you anymore! you keep on keepin' on, dion!

ignatieff HOT in pursuit

last week, stephen harper put his new "get bitchez" campaign strategy into action. ignatieff, not wanting to be left behind in this regard, has revealed his own take on harper's wildly successful campaign approach to win the female vote: dress like a transexual.

 

next week, it is expected that jack layton will follow suit, with his new "banging a senior citizen with a cane is kind of sexy, right?" campaign slogan. 

imagine what else he can do with that cane....

the natural just won't cut it anymore--canadians want the SUPERNATURAL

ignatieff is bringing out his big guns now, ladies and gentlemen. determined not to be one-upped by gilles duceppe, ignatieff has also started to showcase his mental abilities, particularly his telekinetic skills, in bagel shops around the nation. while harper has dismissed the displays as "cheap parlor tricks," many canadians--especially jewish canadians for some reason--have been seemingly swayed by the liberal leader's control over all things time and space.

the big issue: steve-o vs. ignatiDOUCHE

kittens.
 
i know what issue i care about, and that issue is kittens. what are they? where do they come from? what do we do with them? what do our foreign trade partners think of them? what is our immigration policy concerning them? what is the best way to care for them? more importantly, what is the best way to kill them? these are the questions i have about kittens, and i know that one of the determining factors for me in this election will be the candidate's feelings towards these furry mammals.

so i'm expecting some concrete policies from each party soon.

 

ignatieff's main campaign platform

ignatieff remains a mystery to me; he showed up a couple of years ago seemingly out of nowhere and took the canadian political scene by storm. for the last couple years he's been the leader of the liberal party and the leader of the opposition. for all his talk about "the fight against climate change and [striving] to improve environmental sustainability," his party's "[committment] to the socio-economic betterment of Aboriginal peoples" and his "focus on facilitating the civic engagement of all Canadians and on building networks between communities to create opportunities for success that will help move Canada forward" its easy to forget that ignatieff has done nothing, nothing, at all. ever. really, i'm pretty sure this guy has never even fully committed to taking a dump, let alone committed to anything more than some pansy-ass ambigious statement about how he'll make canada a better place.

as leader of the opposition, he rarely ever managed to offer any constructive criticism, instead choosing to shoot down everything the conservative party said or did--which, as many politic pundits know, is like shooting fish in a barrel. but hey, the campaign for the 2011 election is on and now ignatieff is coming forward with some real political platforms--concrete ideals that i can get behind. i've always been a staunch liberal, but my dislike of ignatieff has often clouded my rose-colored glasses. not anymore, oh no, my bleeding-heart liberalism will no longer sit in the backseat! you go ignatieff, and you show that bastard steve-o what its all about!'