it will be a battle royale

last week, political pundit rick mercer offered to host a one-on-one cage fight to the death between liberal leader ignatieff and prime minister steve-o. ignatieff was eager to accept the offer, knowing full well that his speed, agility and spindly limbs give him an obvious advantage over the unfit square-shaped harper. the prime minister refused to rsvp to the event, and has instead retreated to his evil stone fortress where, it is rumored, that he has increased his raw baby consumption by two-fold.

but ignatieff has refused to let the issue rest, and was seen earlier this week purchasing weapons for the battle in a hardware store located in a rural quebec town.

"this could smash a man's head in, right?"

conservative bullying 101: the fall of dion

when i first found out about the upcoming election, i knew that it was my responsibility to goad the apathetic canadian population into action. i understood that this burden rested squarely on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. so i made a promise to myself and to all canadians that i would report on this election respectfully and reliably.

this guy just wasn't cutting it anymore

now, i'm nothing if not unbiased. i've read up on all the candidates and their respective parties--i've researched their platforms, policies, beliefs and ideals and i have come to the conclusion that canadian politicians, on the whole, are a bunch of bland nancy boys (and a few nancy ladies) with literally no redeeming features.

but ladies and gentlemen, i'm sorry to say that some way, some how, a little french boy with a green thumb, mr. stephane dion, has wormed his way into my heart.

and gang, i'm in love.

i recently had the opportunity to see dion speak in person and i've got to say, i was quite impressed. going into it, i wasn't expecting much--afterall, i really didn't know a lot about him before i heard him speak. sure, i knew he was leader of the liberal party until he was replaced by ignatidouche, and that he had a total hard on for the environment, but that was about it. honestly, most of what i knew about dion was gleamed from conservative attack ads.

well, you've convinced me!

but now i realize that stephane is a smart man, as well as a passionate man with a sense of humor to accompany that lovely thick french canadian accent of his. sure, he's not the best public speaker, but what he says is important and interesting and doesn't feel like the same sort of bullshit that other politicians spew in order to get elected.

and he can do card tricks! is there anything this man can't do!?!?

unfortunately, stephane had a rough time a couple years back when he was leader of the opposition party. the conservatives threw everything they had at the poor guy, spending oodles of money with the sole purpose of making stephane look like an incompetent, whiny child that could barely speak english and wanted to raise taxes by 32679% so that he could plant some more trees in his backyard. and it worked. in the end, no one really believed in dion, even his fellow liberals.

and really, the whole thing is quite unfortunate if you ask me, because i think that stephane, if given the opportunity, would have been an a-okay prime minister. but canadians didn't get the chance to meet the real stephane, nor to appreciate his various policies. the conservative party made it impossible for canadians to vote legitimately by basically--and i'm not going to hold back on this one--brainwashing canadians.

imagine what they could have done with this photo alone

now, i realize now that stephane's opportunity to be prime minister has come and gone, and now the liberals' only hope is some plain jane candidate who may or may not be british (or american) and hate all canadians. but i really do think that its in the best interest of all canadians to keep stephane around, because, for realz guys, we're going to need smart, patriotic, passionate politicians if we're going to keep democracy alive in this god damn country.

so stephane, you get up every morning and you repeat that mantra of yours and don't you dare let old steve-o bully you anymore! you keep on keepin' on, dion!

ignatieff HOT in pursuit

last week, stephen harper put his new "get bitchez" campaign strategy into action. ignatieff, not wanting to be left behind in this regard, has revealed his own take on harper's wildly successful campaign approach to win the female vote: dress like a transexual.

 

next week, it is expected that jack layton will follow suit, with his new "banging a senior citizen with a cane is kind of sexy, right?" campaign slogan. 

imagine what else he can do with that cane....

steve-o: a new campaign strategy

now, old steve-o has been called a great many things during his tenure as prime minister of canada. most of these monikers aren't anything special--they've been used time and time again with numerous other canadian leaders. "oh that [insert name here], he's a cold man, a master of manipulation, a dirty liar..." the list goes on and on.

but supply the common people with sufficient time and with enough hate-fuel, and they'll manage to cook up something a little more personal and a shit-ton more creative. lately, stephen has been branded as a bastard, a robot, a dictator, a nazi, a stalinist, and of course, a cannabilistic baby-murderer.

and steve-o's a smart guy. he knows he ain't gonna get any votes back by running around claiming that he doesn't slaughter infants--that won't convince anyone, as its common knowledge that stephen harper and babies have harbored extreme animosity towards one another for decades.

Exhibit #1

so harper has a different plan. afterall, babies don't vote! they're useless unless you want to use their supple flesh as a source of sustenance. no, the conservatives had to target another demographic altogether--a larger, more influential group of people.... so who did old steve-o decide to target in the end?

women.

ladies.

steve-o knows what he's good at, and he's good at seducing ladies. so harper as a new plan: to be sexy as humanly possible for a baby-eating nazi robot. seems inconceivable you say? not when you have moves like this:

 or when you roll dirty like this:

or when you play piano and sing like this:

the conservatives will be running an aggressive campaign this election, and at the forefront will be stephen harper: canadian, conservative, father, husband, family-man, stud. and if you think that this sort of campaign doesn't have a chance, well then, take a look at this:

 
he's already succeeding.

heather mallick: the woodward and bernstein of our time

every once in a while, i stumble upon an article that truly resonates with me--something that imprints itself on my very soul that i just need to share with as many people as possible. this week, its a fantastic opinion piece by the lovely, level-headed heather mallick, a coulmnist for the toronto star.

Mallick: What if Harper's dream of a majority comes true?

mallick ventures out into the realm of hypothetical possibilities with this piece, and leaves us with the lingering question: what would canadians do if hitler's fragmented horcrux-like soul managed to escape the confines of hell and attach itself to prime minister stephen harper? well firstly, such an event would go a long way in explaining how the down-to-earth stephen harper we canadians used to love, became the sinister, lying, manipulating, murdering, soulless bastard that mallick believes old steve-o to be today.

so what would canadians do if stephen harper started hunting down his opponents; leaving their freshly maimed carcasses to rot in our streets? lay down without a fight? heather mallick seems to think so. and by god, she has a point. in the face of the conservative government's totalitarian regime, we canadians have to stand up and fight! or make ourselves... "invulnerable"? well, whatever we need to do, we need to do it now and we need heather mallick to lead the march.

so, in conclusion, seeing how i am a huge fan of fear-mongering, wild accusations and just general bullshit, i had to share this article. enjoy!

i love bullshit so much, this is the trophy i won for placing first in last year's "NUMBER ONE BULLSHIT FAN" contest

the natural just won't cut it anymore--canadians want the SUPERNATURAL

ignatieff is bringing out his big guns now, ladies and gentlemen. determined not to be one-upped by gilles duceppe, ignatieff has also started to showcase his mental abilities, particularly his telekinetic skills, in bagel shops around the nation. while harper has dismissed the displays as "cheap parlor tricks," many canadians--especially jewish canadians for some reason--have been seemingly swayed by the liberal leader's control over all things time and space.

back in da day

hey remember this guy? stockwell fucking day?

i do. he was as a political pundit's wet dream--a deeply-religious, far-right social conservative with aspirations of becoming canada's prime minister. good-looking, well-spoken and humorous, it was easy to forget that stockwell was well and truly batshit insane.

he was a bit ridiculous at times, like when he justified the construction of more prisons by saying that an alarming number of crimes go unreported or when he showed up to a lakefront news conference on a sea-doo.

but let's not forget the downright menacing qualities of our friend, day. i don't harbor any ill-will towards creationists--hey, whatever gets you through the day--but claiming that educational standards shouldn't be set by the government, but rather by god; that "women who become pregnant through rape or incest should not qualify for government-funded abortions unless their pregnancy is life-threatening;" and that homosexuality is definitely a curable mental disorder are just a few of his less zany, more frightening opinions. but in his defence, we shouldn't judge him too harshly on that last point, as he hails from a province with a mental health code that officially lists homosexuality as a mental disorder, right behind bestiality, pedophilia, transsexualism and other disorders of psychosexual identity.

but our friend day, for all of his idiosyncrasies, did make politics interesting for a while. he's recently stated that he won't be seeking re-election in the next federal elections, which is a downright shame. but don't worry, old stockwell will be back sometime soon, i know it. if not because he's a politician at heart with big dreams, then because he's the fucking antichrist.